It was "Funeral Weather". As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt. The little ol’ man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there".
............................................................................................................................
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forthA cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?""Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out......... . "Holy crap ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!"
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Theft in New Zealand Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland.
When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go on."
.......................................................................................................................................
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are Jewish ... and I love any group that can make fun of themselves!
_____________________________________________________________
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence.
What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? Facing Bloomingdales.
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
I once wanted to be an Atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays. - Henny Youngman
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you what the Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil.! - Golda Meir
_____________________________________________________________
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence.
What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? Facing Bloomingdales.
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
I once wanted to be an Atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays. - Henny Youngman
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you what the Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil.! - Golda Meir
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I Love Vaudeville Humor
You may remember ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy .
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor as "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor as "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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